Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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