Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
