the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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