Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
