There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sober January is a disaster.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
