I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
