Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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