i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
