i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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