you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
