Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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