Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
