sarcasm needs its own font
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
