Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
