Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
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You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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