My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
