you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
