if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Houston, we have a blender
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
