I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
