he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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