My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm sobbing to NWA
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
