I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
