my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
