i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am naked and annoyed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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