I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
