you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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