remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
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I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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