She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
