I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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