you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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