Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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