So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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