OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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