Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
