got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
