Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
