I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
