you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
