Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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