Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
