I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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