If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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