im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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