My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
