you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
