my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
