I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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