i just wanna soil my oats bro
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
