He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
