Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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