Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
