Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
