My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I could make wine with my vomit
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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