It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
