I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
