BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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