I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
