There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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