your parents love me but you hate me
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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