Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
why didn't you poke me back
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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