This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
