There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
