Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
