I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
