I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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